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Long read, but totally worth it.
So, yesterday I went with Eric, Angela, Eric's sister, Ali, and some of her friends to just south of New Braunfels to go tubing. Stayed with the Aunt and Uncle of one of Ali's friends and they rolled out the red carpet and gave us some of the best hospitality I've ever enjoyed.
Anyway, we went tubing, had a blast and came back, took naps, and started drinking again. Dave, Ali's friend's uncle, not my Republican a-hole of a friend, starts drinking with us.
Time for some background on Dave. Big time biker and proud owner of several boats and very nice Harleys. Let me say that before he started drinking, Dave was one of the nicest people I've ever met.
Anyway, I couldn't help but notice him giving me this really nasty look from across the garage and being the nice person I am, I offered to play a few games of pool with him. I lost the first game by a narrow margin, but absolutely destroyed him in the second. It was then I realized how drunk he was, because for me to destroy anyone that badly in pool, they have to be hammered. Pretty much everyone else was inside at this point, and I went inside to make my first drink of the evening. It was then that Debbie, Dave's wife, starts freaking out because if Dave gets left alone while he's drunk he gets violent and depressed ("NOBODY LOVES ME" and so forth).
So I make my drink and everyone goes outside to tend to Dave. Since Debbie is appearantly afraid of drunk DAve, and everyone (except maybe Eric) was hammered, I wound up sitting next to Dave to try and calm him down. The following is a transcript of our conversation as I remember it:
Victor: So, uh, how do you like living right on the river, Dave?
Dave: Aw man, it's fucking great, man. That shit's crazy.
V: Do you go tubing and stuff a lot?
D: Yeah, man. One time my son Kelly and I took my father-in-law tubing all the way down to New Braunfels. Shit too like 15 hours. My son Kelly [insert lengthy explaination on how he and his son didn't get along for a while but are now best friends]. We got to the end and found out KElly's grandad couldn't swim. Man, my heart about dropped out.
V: That's rough.
D: HELL YEAH IT IS. Man, that river was flowing 5000. You wouldn't believe. We got there and Kelly's grandad says 'Kelly, Kelly, I can't swim.'
V: Whoa.
D: Yeah, man. He says 'Kelly, Kelly, I can't swim.
V: Was the water rough?
D: Yeah, it was flowing 5000. Man, like you wouldn't believe. We got there and Kelly's grandad says 'Kelly, Kelly, I can't swim.' Can you believe that? He couldn't swim.
V: Uh.... How dangerous is that?
D: Man, it's bad. And he couldn't swim.
V: [awkward silence] Uh....
D: And the whole time, he couldn't swim! [slurred mumbling, sounds like "you really hurt my feelings, man'}
V: Uh, I'm sorry. What'd I do wrong?
D: NAw man, not you, Kelly's grandad. We went all that way and he says 'I can't swim.' I says, 'Shit. Kelly, we almost killed your grandpa.'
V: Um... I'm gonna go get another drink.
So I chug what's left of my drink and go back inside, check the score of the hockey and basketball games on TV and go back out, hoping someone will have taken my place beside Dave. Nope. In fact, they're all pretty much ignoring him and he's starting to look agitated. So I talk to Dave some more:
Victor: Dave, I just wanted to say 'thank you again' for all the hospitality.
Dave: [pointing at the women, who're playing pool] Look at 'em, man, all doing their thing. Their women thing.
V: Uh... Yeah, I just don't understand women sometimes.
D: Shit man, I don't either. But look at 'em.
V: Uh... Yeah, I guess they just don't make any sense sometimes.
D: MAn, my wife. I got this boat, see. And when I bust my ass at work all day, all I wanna do is go drink a few beers on the boat and she can't handle. Fuck that, man. I love that boat.
V: Yeah, if I had a boat, I'd be out in it all the time.
D: Hey, man, this is awesome. I just wanted to say, everything's 100%, everything's awesome, man. It's you, man. Your personality. It's 100%.
V: Uh, thanks man. You too.
[Aw fuck, is he coming on to me?]
D: Man, I fight all the damn time. I get drunk and fight. My wife tries to stop me, but I just fight.
V: I'm really not much of a fighter.... Um... I like video games. And TV.
D: Man, I kicked the shit outta this one dude the other day....
[long, awkward pause. I'm sure it was only like 30 seconds, but it felt like eternity]
D: You wanna fight?
V: Uh... No. Definitely not. I need another drink, I'll be right back.
So at this point, I go back inside and watch the game some more and try not to think about the scary, drunken biker out in the garage, who suddenly seems to hate me for no reason. I come back after several minutes, again hoping that someone has taken Dave off my hands only to discover that aside from 2 people playing pool, everyone has gone off to sit and talk on the golf cart outside, completely neglecting Dave (who's looking very pissed, by the way).
I try to talk to him again, thank him for the hospitality, get him a drink and cigarrette, talk some more about some bullshit or other, when Eric, being the great guy that he is, figures how uncomfortable I am and comes over to help. We manage to cheer Dave up some by talking about motocycles, cars, boats, all that fun shit. Then Debbie comes up, also shitfaced to talk as well. She puts her arm around my shoulder and starts rubbing and on the inside I'm like WHAT THE HOLY FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, BITCH? She then takes her arm off of me and has the following conversation with Dave:
Debbie: How you doing, honey? You know everybody loves you. You want another drink?
Dave: Fuck you.
Debbie: Don't do that. Everybody here loves you. We all care about you.
DAve: I want some sake.
Again, I was anxious for an excuse to get the hell out of that garage, even it was only for a minute, so I go inside, pull the sake out of the cooler, watch the game for a second, curse at Tampa for playing like shit, and go back outside.
This time, I decide, it's someone else's turn to deal with Dave. And Debbie seems to want the job. So I gladly leave her to it and play a few games of pool with one of the girls. Debbie then tries to lead Dave inside, and he points at me and asks "IS he trying to top me?" Debbie assures him that I'm not and he then asks "Do you think I could kick his ass?" Debbie again says "yes" and pulls Dave inside, where they unfortunately, don't stay long. DAve plops right back down in his chair and continues being scary. I keep playing pool and try to pretend he's not there. It doesn't work.
In the background I can hear DAve saying, to another of the girls "I love you baby. But I can't do that stuff anymore. I'm a pillar of the community. And I already did it before."
The game ends and Debbie comes up, puts her arm around me again, and thanks me for talking to Dave and coming to visit. While I appreciate the acknowledgement of her thanks, I was pretty sure she could have done it without touching me, particularly in front of Dave.
Anyway, I realize that since Debbie is talking to me, no one is dealing with Dave. So, because I am an insane masochist, I go back and talk to him. At this point, all those drinks I chugged to get away started to have an effect, and I'm not sure what we talked about, except that he said something about being above DUI laws because he knows the TABC people and told me and Angela that he has a black belt in Karate or something.
Anyway, Dave suddenly decides he has to piss, so instead of going inside to the bathroom, he goes around the side of the house and doesn't come back for like 10 minutes. I'm more than a little relieved until he shows back up, glaring at me, and giving me the finger. For no reason.
He sits on the back of the golf cart and continues glaring and flipping me off. For like 7 minutes straight. At this point, I decided to treat him like an angry silverback and avoid eye contact at all cost except to check and make sure he wasn't coming at me with a bat or something every once in a while. THEN Debbie comes up and informs me that Dave has pissed himself AND has gotten it into his head that Debbie and I are fucking behind his back.
WTF??? I WONDER WHO GAVE HIM THAT IDEA, BITCH? At this point, we all go back inside and sit in the guest room, leaving Debbie to put Dave to bed. NAthan, DAve's nephew comes in to fuck around with me by calling me Aunt Fucker and telling me about Dave's gun rack. Which everyone else thinks is hilarious. During all of this, we can faintly hear Dave and Debbie arguing in the kitchen. I decide it best to sleep under the bed.
Anyway, Debbie finally got Dave to go to sleep and I chilled in the living room with Eric and watched a documentary on supervolcanoes on the Discovery channel and ate birthday cake. Appearantly, there's this huge buildup under California that could blow up anywhere from tomorrow to 200,000 years from now and kill pretty much everything. Sweet.
ANYWAY KIDS, the moral of the story is: Never sleep with a biker's wife. They hate it when you do that.
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